This week has been an interesting one to say the least. As you all know I had some more tests done to try and explain the high MPV, fatigue, and joint pain before starting a new medication that could worsen those symptoms. Well yesterday I got a call for my Dr.’s office alerting me that my liver values where really wacked out. The phrase “beginnings of liver failure” was used. My liver enzymes and bilirubin are very elevated,along with my MPV. My activated vit. D is basically non-existent… in the “critically low” category. This could be because my liver is not functioning and therefore not fully activating Vit D as it should. My blood work post treatments was normal so it would be odd to have a delayed reaction to the drugs now, I hardly ever drink, I am not overweight so it is quite the mystery… more tests on Tuesday.
It’s funny cause I’d think it would be normal to be a little concerned but I really am not. I am hopeful this could explain my fatigue, joint pain, and the random stabbing pains I have been having in my upper right abdomen . Also I feel pretty okay cause the liver does an amazing job at healing itself. So we just gotta figure out what is causing the liver damage and address that and all should be fine.
I have been thinking back on this year a bit, as last week marked a year since I was told I may need surgery and that the Dr. was concerned about endometriosis and cancer. It is funny cause medically I have been a wreck. I have been exhausted and at my body’s limits. It feels like physically I’m drowning and every time I come up for air I inhale a little more water. I’m tired… like not I need a nap tired…. like deep in my bones, sleep for 10 hours and wake up exhausted tired.
Yet, mentally I am totally at peace. More so then I have been in a long time… I have been reading this book and there was a phrase when a girl’s boat sank in the ocean and she was facing the idea of drowning. She made it in the end but what she said in the moments when she was looking her potential fate square in the eye basically describes how my view of life has changed.
“I glide down into the abyss slowly… accompanied by beautiful blue, gold, and yellow dorados and the singing of whales and dolphin follow me down… what are we all searching for anyways? Isn’t it peace?”
In moments when faced with complete exhaustion, a dysfunctional body, or even the realisation of inescapable mortality, you can fight the inevitable or you can look at the wonders around you, do what you can and go on in peace. There was a moment this past year when I made the choice to stop saying “what if” and start saying “but if”. The story of that realisation is one for another post. My point is that I could sit here and say “what if they can’t figure out what us wrong and my liver disease progresses? What if it’s an indicator of cancer spread? What if my endometriosis is choking out my liver?” Or I can say “but, if this is bad, I will still live life to the fullest of my ability, I will continue to pursue the best medical treatments available, be surrounded by loved ones near and far, and enjoy every dang moment I got. For how blessed am I to have a medical team that detected it early? To have insurance so I don’t have to worry about cost? To have a friend who said, with all the honesty in the world, that she would give me part of her liver should I need it (even though we aren’t anywhere near that point yet)… To live in a beautiful state and to do what I love for a living, to have the means to give back to others, to spend my days with some of the most intelligent equine professional in the world, to have friend who use their vacation time and savings to do things with me, to have a mom to call in the evenings … my body is struggling one gasp after another in an ocean of medical confusion but emotionally I’m at peace. After all I’m floating in paradise. Perhaps this feels so fitting cause one of my new favorite song is head above water by Avril Lavigne.
So next time someone asks me how I’m doing, and I say good… it’s not because I’m hiding the truth, it is because despite… or maybe because of my health issues… I have taken in the wonders that surround me… and I’m truly alright.